


Lost Boy

by So_Uncreative



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Angst, Atticus Lincoln - Freeform, M/M, Nico Kim gets to have some feelings, nico centric, not a happy fic and not a happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-17
Updated: 2020-11-17
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:40:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27596981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/So_Uncreative/pseuds/So_Uncreative
Summary: When you look in the mirror, do you like what you see?It’s an age-old question and if you were to ask Nico Kim, he would answer tell you his answer without any hesitation and level of certainty that would force you to believe him, he would answer no.
Relationships: Nico Kim & Atticus Lincoln, Nico Kim/Levi Schmitt
Comments: 8
Kudos: 40





	Lost Boy

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is a fic I've been trying to write for ages and I'm oddly nervous about posting. It's pretty heavy and like the majority of my angst fics it comes with some warnings, please don't read this if you find any of the topics discussed in this fic triggering, go read some of the dozens of better fics on here of some of my mid-tier fics over on my Tumblr, just mind yourself okay? Also big thanks to @oboevallis on Tumblr for helping me with this, it's much more appreciated than you even realize.
> 
> This fic includes topics such as Toxic Masculinity/Gender roles, homophobia, internalized homophobia, shame, and a lot of self-hatred. It's really not a happy fic and I want to make sure you guys know that before you start reading. Although it feels weird to say this given everything I just said...enjoy...

When you look in the mirror, do you like what you see?

It’s an age-old question and if you were to ask Nico Kim, he would answer tell you his answer without any hesitation and level of certainty that would force you to believe him, he would answer no. He’d spent most of life wishing that every time he looked in the mirror that there would be someone else, someone better, looking back at him, and contrary to what most people might assume it wasn’t that he was unhappy with his physical appearance, no that was actually something he took pride in after spending years ensuring he stayed in shape and perfecting a signature style, Nico just didn’t think much of the character of the man that would stare back at him.

The man who would stare back at him was to put it simply a pessimist, the type to see the glass half empty and the grey cloud rather than the silver lining, he couldn’t help but think that this attitude was something he’d inherited from his parents along with the color of his skin, the ability to curl his tongue and a genetic predisposition for heart disease. See the thing about Nico’s parents were they raised him with this image in their minds of what the perfect man should be like, the perfect man should be physically strong and athletic, intelligent across many different feel, popular amongst his peers and he should be a loving and kind partner when he found the perfect to woman to marry, it was an impossible image for him to live up to but it never stopped him from trying. 

The first time that he really remembers his parents’ criticisms getting to him was when he was eight years old and came second in a school art competition, he’d run home to tell his mother with as much pride in his voice as any child could muster and instead of congratulating him, the first thing out of his mother’s mouth was a question about why he hadn’t come in first, it was a small thing but it was a moment that stuck with him because it was the first time he remembered wondering if he’d ever be good enough. The trend of his parents focusing on his shortcomings rather than his merits continued from there when he became captain of the basketball team, his parents would comment on the shots he missed even when his team won by a large margin and when he chose to stay in on a Friday night to study rather than agree to his friends' invitations to various parties, he was chastised for not being sociable. The one thing he clutched onto through the years of critical comments and disapproval from his parents was the hope that he wouldn’t end up like them, that once he was living on his own away from their judgment that he’d begin to see the brighter side of life and it filled him with an odd sense of self-hatred when he learned that that was not the case. 

Whenever Nico helped diagnose a patient or assisted in a surgery that would save a life, he couldn’t ignore the small voice in his mind that would remind him of all the patients he lost, specifically Josh Sterman. When he and Link sat down and talked through what he’d done wrong, his mentor had tried to reassure him that it was a mistake that any orthopedic surgeon could have made but Nico couldn’t bring himself to accept the reassuring and his pessimistic mind wouldn’t let him focus on the joy of delivering good news but instead would remind him of the families he’d robbed the opportunity of hearing good news from. Nico knew he was a pessimist just like his mother and father and no matter how he tried to change the fact, it would always be that way.

When Nico looked in the mirror, he was met with the reflection of a jealous man, a trait from his childhood that he’d never really grown out of. He’d grown up with two older siblings and one younger sibling and as the middle children, he and his sister Nadia had formed a pretty tight bond as they suffered under slightly less pressure than their older brother Jun-Ho but didn’t benefit from half of the freedom their younger sister YunJae had but no matter how close they were, Nico couldn’t help but feel as jealous of Nadia as he did their other siblings. Growing up Nico had been jealous of the bond that existed between Jun-Ho and their father, a bond that was secured tightly by the fact that unlike Nico, Jun-Ho wanted to follow in their father’s footsteps and become a detective when he was older and he’d been jealous of Yunjae’s ability to talk herself out of trouble but most of all he was jealous of Nadia and the fact everyone seemed to like her. Nico had always been jealous of the fact she was blessed with the confidence to strike up a conversation with anyone and a kind welcoming smile that made even the shyest of people feel safe in her presence because he knew he was the opposite of her, he wished it was as easy for him to make friends as it was for her but no matter how closely he followed her advice, he always found himself coming across as awkward or blunt and would retreat further into himself as he overthought the words he said.

While he was able to grow out of his childhood awkwardness, he wasn’t able to grow out of his jealousy except now instead of it being directed at his siblings, it was directed at none other than Atticus Lincoln, his mentor, and friend. It wasn’t professional jealousy that Nico had for Link, no it was hard not to be happy for his friend and be in awe of his professional achievements, Nico was jealous of how easy Link’s life seemed to be. They worked in a hospital that was powered on gossip and scandal so of course, he knew about the love triangle his friend had been apart of and the drama surrounding the possibility that he wasn’t in fact the father of Amelia’s baby but now that all of that was sorted Nico couldn’t help but compare their lives and feel jealousy bubble in his stomach. Link had the perfect relationship with Amelia, he’d found his soulmate and they’d made the perfect baby together and he’d made friends with more attendings, residents, and nurses than Nico could even name, Nico had tried a few times to strike up conversations with his colleagues but always let his own shyness sabotage him but he found that Levi’s friends quickly became his as well but now that he’d lost Levi, he’d lost them too. They’d arrived in Seattle together over a year ago and now Link was happy and popular while Nico was sad and lonely, it was almost like the universe wanted to keep him down.

Nico hated admitting it, but he’d spent a lot of their relationship jealous of Levi. It may seem insane to others, a man in his fellowship year with skill and experience being jealous of a man in his residency who is known for being clumsy and a little dorky but Nico watched as Levi brushed his failures off and learned from them and wondered how he made it look so easy. He’d stared at Levi in shock when he told him the story of how his glasses had fallen into a patient and he couldn’t believe that after that embarrassment that Levi was brave enough to show his face in the hospital again without dodging eye contact with everyone, Levi had a level of confidence in himself that Nico could only be envious of. He was also jealous of Levi’s acceptance of himself, coming out didn’t involve years of denying that he was gay to himself, hating himself once he accepted the fact it was something he couldn’t’ change and then hiding it from others as it did for Nico, for Levi it seemed he’d just discovered a new little fact about himself, like how someone might react if they discovered that they liked dark chocolate. Nico wishes that he’d had the same reaction but the truth was the fact he was gay was still something he was hiding from his family and he wondered if it was because he was scared of their reaction or if he was still as ashamed of it as he was back when he was nineteen and still denying the fact to himself?

Nico knew that when he looked in the mirror that he’d be met with the reflection of a delusional man, before he left for Seattle he had proclaimed to his sisters that Seattle was going to be a new start for him yet now just over a year later, he felt as lonely and closed off as he had back home. He knew that living in a different state from his parents wouldn’t free him from hearing their harsh criticisms of his life choice or heal all the damage the years of living under their pressure had caused but when his sister dropped him off at the airport, he claimed that Seattle would be a fresh start and that he’d be okay, something he’d actually let himself believe. Nico knew that away from the small town that he’d grown up in that he could dance up against a man in a bar or go on a date and kiss a man on the street without fearing someone would see him and tell his parents, these were activities that he’d only been able to enjoy when he was away at med school and he was eager to see what Seattle’s dating scene had to offer. He’d been so excited that he’d deluded himself into thinking that everything would be okay, that he could be happy.

Nico would say that his relationship with Levi was his first proper loving relationship, before that it was random one night stands and friends with benefits type relationships and he knows that the reality of his feelings for Levi didn’t fully hit him until Levi collapsed in the OR, the night that a car crashed into Joe’s bar. Levi was something he didn’t quite expect, he was someone who understood Nico even when he didn’t feel like talking, someone who showed Nico what fearlessness actually looked like, and someone who loved him, Nico didn’t realize until he was waiting for an update on Levi, choosing to focus on helping Link save Taryn than going stir crazy pacing the halls or crying in an on-call room somewhere, that Levi was in fact the only man he could imagine spending his life with. He began to let himself imagine what domestic life with Levi would be like, what they’d name the cat that they’d eventually adopt, and how many bedrooms would be in the house they’d buy to raise their family in, Nico let himself believe that all of these things were possible as he cuddled up against Levi in the hospital bed but the dreams were stolen from him once Levi moved out of his mother’s and into Nico’s place. 

That was a big step, one they weren’t quite ready for and one that led to Nico realizing that he’d made a mistake by falling so deeply in love with Levi because once they were living together, Levi was no longer satisfied with Nico keeping him on the outside of his thoughts. Levi wanted to know about his siblings whose pictures decorated the bookshelves, about the origin of the few recipes that Nico could actually cook, and worst of all, Levi wanted to meet his parents. Nico was honestly confused by the fact that the topic of his parents didn’t come up earlier on in their relationship, he never mentioned them in an attempt of self-preservation but the fact Levi hadn’t brought up sooner was definitely weird, Nico knew that once he admitted to Levi that he wasn’t out to his parents that it would likely be the thing that caused the downfall of their relationship and although he had been prepared for it to happen, it didn’t stop it hurting any less.

He saw the image of a cruel man reflected back at him when he looked in the mirror and he knew that many of Levi’s friends would probably use the same word to describe him. When he’d kissed Levi in the elevator that day, he hadn’t anticipated the drama nor the loving relationship that followed, he’d just been feeling horny and had thought that Levi would be willing to help with that. He’d thought it could be a quick fling and when it looked like that wasn’t the case, he pushed Levi away cruelly telling him that he’d already done his coming out and dealt with his shame spiral.

It was a lie of course, Nico’s parents were still very hopeful that he was going to bring a nice, sensible and intelligent girl home from Seattle for the holidays and declare that he was madly in love with her, but it was the only way he saw of protecting himself from having his own feelings of fear and shame stirred up. He’d been ashamed of how he treated Levi in those moments and he probably will regret those words as much as he regretted kissing him again in the ambulance rigg, Nico had sworn to himself a long time ago that he’d never fall in love but the more time he spent with Levi, the more he found himself forgetting that promise. Nico didn’t know what it was about Levi that made him keep going back for more, Nico kept trying to put the man off him by blowing hot and cold and keeping him at arm’s length in the hopes that it would stop them from getting too serious but before he knew it, he was telling Levi he loved him too in the parking lot of Grey Sloan Memorial.

It had been cruel of him to let Levi fall in love with him, he should have tried harder to make the man realize that he wasn’t a good man to love and he should’ve stopped going back for more but Nico lacked that level of self-control and that was probably the cruelest part of it all. He’d overheard Taryn and Jo claiming that he probably hadn’t loved Levi at all as they gossiped about their break up but that wasn’t the truth, Nico loved everything about Levi, even the things that drove him insane and to that others thought the opposite was like a dagger to his heart. He hoped that someday Levi would find someone who’d be less cruel than he was, someone who could love him wholeheartedly without the hidden shame and baggage because that’s what Levi deserved, he deserved someone better than Nico.

Although Nico Kim saw all these things when he looked at the man in the mirror, he never saw the truth, that the image the mirror reflected back at him was one of a lost boy that was unwilling to let himself be found. He’d never given himself the chance to shake the negative thoughts his parents had left in his mind or learn how to overcome his own fear and shame, instead, he’d put up walls to block people out and hurt the one person who’d managed to get passed them. Maybe someday when he was ready to be found, the idea of letting someone love him wouldn’t be as scary as it had been with Levi, maybe he might even learn to love himself.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope that didn't suck, come talk to me on Tumblr @herrera-n-hayes where I write prompts and mini fics that are much lighter than this. Thank you for reading.


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